Soldier of Fortune

Today I can’t stop thinking about the way things change. It was only a few weeks ago that I was walking around Rijeka in a state of solitary delusion, thinking about buying Croatian porno magazines. Tomorrow I’m going to be in France with my girlfriend. It doesn’t seem real.

I should probably pause here to mention to anyone reading this that doesn’t know me very well, that I am not and have never been a ‘porn guy’. This fact might give a little more insight into just how drastically different I felt a few weeks back. I’ve never owned porn. Never bought, stole or borrowed any. Never even downloaded any on the internet. You could say I’m the antithesis of Ian, who is probably at this very moment working on some sort of radio device to implant into his dental plate that can vibrate pornographic images through his ossicles and directly into his brain.

But enough about porn.

The important thing is how I’m feeling right now: peaceful. I feel like I’m standing in a fixed spot, watching the world turn slowly on its axis, pushing me slowly into the sunlight. This trip has really taught me to enjoy the moment. There’s no more fears or anxieties. There’s still a future or many futures, but I’ll take that as it comes. Right now I’m content to bask in the sunshine. It feels wonderful.

I feel like I’ve stopped resisting some half-imagined force that’s shadowed me for years. And when I stopped pushing, it didn’t overwhelm me, didn’t crush my bones into the dust. It stopped pushing too. A stalemate. A balance point.

I’m free-writing again and I’m a little surprised myself at what’s coming out. I just feel good. I feel like I can do anything again. I’ve felt like this so many times during the trip. Each time I feel it I grow that little bit more in confidence. I have to hold on to this feeling. I have to apply it to other aspects of my life beyond the personal.

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